No-Bull Art Prediction Comeback Trail

(Written by Jambo Sam)

After a 0-6 record for our Lopez/Loma prediction, our offices have been hard at work trying to regain some credibility in our market share. With only 3 predictions making the deadline (and our Canadian correspondent currently too busy attending pro-Trump, anti-BLM, anti-VAC and anti-lockdown protests), it’s clear to see how becoming fathers has knocked our ability to predict an outcome of a fight.

Here are 3 predictions for the highly anticipated PPV match up between Usyk vs Chisora and Tank Davis vs Leo Santa Cruz:

By GG Elliott  Prediction: Usyk KO (7-12) Usyk vs Chisora is the fight that Adolf Hitler wished he had of made, rather than endure the Aryan ignominy which was Max Schmelling vs Joe Louis II. In fact, I expect this fight to be such an obvious mismatch in class, such a brutal sustained beating from a Caucasian Eastern European over (in the words of a non-racist, Kubrat Pulev) a ‘tanned’ opponent, that had it of taken place instead on June 22nd, 1938, it would have taken all of the Fuhrer’s conscientious restraint to not finish the fight openly masturbating from his ringside seat (a perfectly normal thing to do and of no problem for a modern man in a relationship, according to contemporary arbiter of lust, Lily Allen).  I expect Usyk to win and to win comfortably*; the only intrigue being how he decides to do so. I can see him showcasing his ability to endure at heavyweight, and remain relatively restrained on his way to cruise to a wide points win; I can see him breaking Chisora down for a mid-to-late round stoppage; and I can envisage Chisora quitting on his stool. I’ll back the second option: Usyk by KO, somewhere between rounds 7-12. *I've been profoundly wrong for both of my last two predictions. Therefore, if you are looking to bet on this recommendation not only are you a fool, but you should conversely back a Chisora 1st round KO...

Prediction: Head - Santa Cruz (UD); Heart - Davis KO (6-9) ‘Don’t know,’ is the simply answer. ‘Tank’ has world class ability and definitive punching power; he also likes becoming a fat little cunt between fights. LSC has been in with higher level opposition and seems more attune to the ‘hard work and dedication’ which boxing apparently requires. Tank will therefore have to be at the apex of his powers to prevail. Though the voice in my head says that Leo Santa Cruz will win via a unanimous decision - an outcome which, given the widespread dislike of Davis, and the combined collective non-wit of boxing fandom, will likely see him rereferred to on the Twitters as Leo Banter Cruz…especially by those four sleeve-tattooed, River Island clad lads posing for a photo outside All Bar One, (you know, the ones who make routine, banal appearances on social) amirite, lads? - my heart longs for a Tank win.  Your heart does, why? you may ask, and it’s a valid question. Well, I’m both a romantic and a futurist; I can envisage the soon-to-be gammon nightmare, where the desire for inclusivity and gender unbias sees men and women competing directly against each other. And who better to kickstart this trend than the progressive, high-profile, extracurricular WAG handler, Gervonta Davis. Think of the high romance of the unification fights that could also result from his victory on Saturday. Davis vs Harper at the Doncaster Superdome? No worries (that would be the second most bruising encounter to take place in South Yorkshire since Dave Allen sparred a full 12 rounds with Danny Murrell’s arsehole, without headgear). Davis vs Serrano for all the featherweight marbles? Stick it on DAZN and take my money. Tank is Floyd’s protege after all, and he is only following where Floyd would have gone, had that bald man from the Ultimate (roll around on the mat and start) Fucking Championship have let him chin Ronda. Casuals will want a LSC win; true boxing heads will be hoping Davis prevails. By Joel  Prediction - Usyk KO

One of the generations best talent vs someone who couldn't step up at the top level. Someone with excellent footwork vs someone who struggles with movement. An intelligent boxer vs someone who publicly supports Nigel Farage. I can only see this being a one sided beat down. As the rounds go on and Usyk will get into his rhythm Del will ask "what's the point?" and not come up with any answers. Usyk to win via stoppage as Del doesn't get off his stool at the end of the 9th. Prediction - Santa Cruz points

Tank has all the ability, talent and gifts to be a P4P star. Unfortunately he squanders that by being a dickhead. If he is at the top of his game he beats Santa Cruz comfortably and some pretty exciting conversations will take place about his future. If he has fucked about in camp and not made the weight well then Santa Cruz will give him hell for 12 rounds. I have no faith in Tank, he might prove me wrong in this fight but I doubt he'll prove me wrong over his whole career. Santa Cruz points.  By Jacques C  Prediction : USYK TKO I know there’s some fresh intrigue when you factor in that this is Usyk’s ‘real’ test at HW, but I’m just not sure it is. This idea that he’s too small is a little foolish to me. I look at how small Ruiz is, how small Povetkin is and how small Cunningham is (ok he didn’t beat Fury but Fury himself has remarked what a tough fight that was) and think Usyk has nothing to worry about. Chisora has and always will struggle with boxers who can jab and move. He’ll also struggle with someone whose output typically increases as the rounds do. Look at how much Usyk exerted himself in the 12th against Hunter. All the questions are aimed at Usyk for this fight, but they should be aimed at Chisora. Prediction : TANK points It’s hard to be totally invested in this fight. Santa Cruz is plenty capable. He’s also removed from his best weight class and hasn’t looked great for a while. He throws a lot, which will likely help him, but I can’t look past Tank winning a comfortable decision. Yeah, he looked poor against Gamboa but ultimately he still won. He won’t get away with that for much longer but that’s why he’s fighting the guys he is fighting.