Usyk vs Chisora

After a wonderful summer of beautiful weather spoilt only by a minor touch of existential dread we roll into the winter of the boxing fans discontent. It's PPV season baby, kicking off with Usyk vs Chisora so strap in and let me tell you if you should be parting with your hard earned cash for this event.

No. No you shouldn't.

What? You want more? I don't get paid enough for this shit. In fact, I don't get paid at all. It should be painfully obvious what's going on with this fight so I'll start with the undercard and let you know if you should be tuning in early.

No. No you shouldn't.

Let's start with Dave Allen. Once again on a PPV despite never having a decent preformance against a decent opposition on one. Surely by now the boxing public realise they're getting conned by this affable buffoon? Of they don't, all aboard Matchroom F.C. Choo-fucking-choo. I genuinely saw someone tweet in Allen's defence of his inclusion "he's a nice guy and he sells tickets." To a behind closed doors event. There really is no hope for these fucking morons. Originally slated to fight Christian "stop" Hammer (Time) I thought I might be able to tease a light amount of pleasure seeing Allen on step closer to his inevitable cabbaging but he had to pull out (something Allen has never done to Danny Morrell) and instead we have the peerless Christopher Lovejoy to look forward to. Google briefly crashed after the announcement with people googling "Who the fuck is Christopher Lovejoy" and turning up some eyebrow raising results. Turns out Lovejoy is a 19-0 (19 ko's) prospect at the tender age of 36. Records can be deceiving, on paper I'm an unbeaten prospect, so it's worth delving into Lovejoy's a little deeper. All of his fights have taken place in Tijuana, Mexico being a notorious breeding ground for talented heavyweights. Of his 19 ko's, 17 have came in the first round, suggesting either he has explosive power or his opponents are really shit. Speaking of his opponents only one had a winning record that suggests his opponents are really shit. I'd assume Allen stops this killer at a leisurely pace and once again Allen will be only three fights away form a would tittle fight.

Other than that there are a couple of birds fights that obviously no one cares about and this publication is going to make a stand and not comment on whilst we're being fed a bullshit narrative that women's boxing is thriving and yet world title shots are handed out to girls on the virtue of being the biggest slag.

Chief support is Lee Selby, the Welsh Matweather (shudders) vs George Kambosos Jr. This has the potential to be a competitive fight but I have my doubts about what Selby has left to offer at the top level. 33 years old, inactive even before the 'Rona, no power at a lower weight and no reason to suggest the extra pounds will add anything to that department. The prize for the winner is getting brutally battered by Lopez so I'm not sure if were Selby I'd actually be wanting to win.

So, main event time. P4P star, unifier of the Cruiserweights in impressive fashion, vanquisher of scouse gobshites and cheeky little dancer Usyk vs Derek Chisora, former male prostitute. Why this tune up fight needs to be on PPV I don't know. It's a nothing fight, a tick along, a fight that shouldn't really be made at all let alone on PPV. The main selling points from Hearn and his Matchroom F.C bumspiders are based mainly on myths and lest explore them here in bulletpoint format

• Due to the pandemic and no fans the fight has to be on PPV to generate revenue.

False. This fight was always going to be on PPV, pandemic or no. Credit to Hearn for making bang averages guys like Whyte and Chisora into PPV stars but also fuck him for the same thing. If this fight can't be made without PPV then don't make it. I'm sure there are plenty of other people at chisora's level (European at a push) how could give Usyk a tune up

• Since teaming up with David Haye this is the most focused, most dedicated and best version of Chisora

False. Maybe there is some truth in it but the cunt is 36 and had a long career. This ain't Rocky and fairy's don't exist. Only in boxing do people give credit to waste of spaces like Allen, Tank and Chisora for actually turning up and doing their fucking jobs. It's an insult to the mugs who pay to watch them.

• In heavyweight boxing, one puch can change it all.

False. Well alright, it's technically true but that's true in every in weight. The big boys carry the extra weight that they can convert into power but it doesn't count for much without the technique and timing. Usyk ain't Spilka, he's not gonna stand on the ropes and let Chisora throw bombs. People use Povetkin as an example but he didn't just throw a big shot and hope for the best. He knew Whyte was vulnerable to the shot and used all of his Olympic gold medal winning experiance to maneuver himself into position. Usyk will land and move before Chisora has had time to even think about what he wants to do. Chisora will find himself a foot step away from rage all night. Usyk will play mental chess with Chisora and Chisora still hasn't figured out the rules to chequers. In the late round when Chisora is blowing out of his arse and Usyk has the kind of grin on his face that virgins see just before there skin gets used to make a coat out of, Chisora's old bones will go "fuck this shit" and we'll never see Derek in a boxing ring again.